Beer at the Airport

Hello all..

I'm having a seat at the airport here in Mon'ree-aaal, catchin’ a bird a day early due to some weather conditions brewing in Quebec, which would, heaven forbid, undoubtedly imprison me here for the weekend if the weather network is even half correct. I have only been here a few days and already looking forward to my fellow red-neck-english-speaking place of glory known as ALLLLberta. Well OK, just Calgary.. cause Edmonton still sucks.
As the insidiously expensive Heineken makes it way from my lips to my brain, I thought I would throw down a few comments of this great and wonderful place we call Quebec.

1. The only similarities between Quebec and Alberta is the currency, only it seems of little value here as they require a shit load more of it for the same item anywhere else in the fricken universe. Check this:

A buck forty eight / l of gas. No shit. I have a receipt to prove it, only it's all in French and they don't use a fricken decimal, it's replaced with a comma so it reads 1,48/l. I asked them, I says.. does this mean I have a choice? A dollar or a 48? I mean that's what a comma means don't it? And why are your gas pumps only au francais? I'm just guessing at the pay-at-the-pump push buttons here, for all I know I paid for everyone's gas, and they just laugh at my anglophonic ass, oh they laugh.. LAUGH IT UP.. Go Ahead, we sold you this gas anyway.

Twelve bucks for a pint of beer. Qu'est que hell? Yea you heard me right. Twelve bucks for a pint of DRAFT beer, and it's almost done. Most expensive beer I've ever bought, save for the beer I had a few years back which cost me fifteen, but that was a frothy golden south African beer served in a glimmering silver sleeve and delivered by a virgin, i would've paid more, way more. THAT was a good beer, this one is heineken out of a dirty tap. I says to her I says.. "that's what a six-pack costs where I come from." She says "pardon moi?" I repeat "THATS WHAT A SIX PACK COSTS WHERE I COME FROM" following the tried and true method of interlinguistic vocular crescendination technique, or a method of translating one's self my simply raising the voice, commonly practiced by americans whilst on vacation.

2. Signage. One word: IT SUCKS. For some reason, and I’m assuming not that long ago, the people of Quebec came up with the fricken idea of re-naming every road, every highway, every gravel road after some great French Canadian leader, completely and totally confusing the hell out of any English speaking Canadian daring to travel the roads without knowledge of francais history. I even had a GPS for the love of everything, but the names are so fricken long they don’t FIT on the SCREEN. And what the hell is a “rang”? I remember candies when I was a kid called rangs.. and the’re all over the signs here.. rang this, rang that.. what the hell, and “hippocyte”? seriously.. It took me over an hour to find the damn airport cause guess what? They recently renamed “Dorval International” to “international Pierre–Elliott–Trudeau (YMQ) et Mirabel (YMX).” I say recently cause HALF THE BLOODY SIGNS SAY ONE THING AND THE OTHER HALF SAY ANOTHER.. Oh I could go on and on.. and on.. and on..

Let’s see… is there a number three? Oh yea of course..

3. Pizza. Please please PLEASE dear francophones.. get the heck out of the pizza business. You have no idea how to make it, no idea at all. The pizza here is like cold wet meat on a soggy napkin, and tastes far worse. What?? No kidding. I was actually looking around for the hidden fricken camera, Hello? I’m on that stupid Just For Laughs Gags? I was afraid to see how much that cost and didn’t even want to look. Stick to your poutiny type cuisine and small expensive foods. Trying to impress a westerner with your pizza is like.. (trying to think of a good metaphor here).. like a French poodle trying to impress a pitbull with his lame-ass bark. (Does that work? I’m in a rush here.) Don’t screw with the pizza.

4. Traffic Signals. Holy crap. Lets see how many fricken signals we can fit in an intersection shall we? Oh then, let’s make some lights square, some triangle, don’t allow right turns on red and then remind them of that with eighteen red lights.. ok I get the point, can’t turn right on a red, THEN.. THEN.. LETS GET RID OF ALL THE LINES ON THE ROAD SO THEY CAN GUESS WHERE TO GO AFTER BEING TOLD THEY CAN GO BY A TRILLION LIGHTS!!! OH!! AND FEEL FREE TO USE YOUR HORNS AS MUCH AS YOU WANT! Cause THAT’S GONNA HELP!

5. Hotel rooms that flood, Delusional Drivers, the list goes on.

VIVE LE SEPARACION!!

Holy.

AS.