Tuesday, April 8, 2008

How My Brain Works Part 1 "The Hair Slaughter"

Most of you who know me, know that I tend to wait a little too long between getting my hair cut, as a matter of fact, I've had more pedicures than haircuts in the last while. (Yea.. you heard me correctly, but that's a whole different topic.) There are two reasons for the procrastinary attitude of this human inevitability. First and foremost, I'm a procrastinator. Second, it scares the shit out of me, and I'm not talking a phobia here, I'm talking a Stephen King level fear.

I remember getting my hair cut professionally for the first time, I was 13. The stylist asked me if my mom cut my hair prior, and I said Yes. She laughed, and I never let my mom cut my hair again. So it began, my defection from the scissors, bowl and white drop sheets of home to the shears and squirt bottles of the professional stylist. I never got a choice of haircut at home, but at the Stylist, I was granted options, a few of which where the "crew cut" look, the "spiked" look and last but not least.. the "feathered" look. I knew I could never go back.

It wasn't until recently that I began to develop a fear for the haircut. As I write this I am made conscious of the fact that this timing may coincide with the start of my Scary Movie Club.

Here's the deal; Every time I go I can't help but think that at any moment, the cutter is going to lose it and plunge the scissors into my cranium, death coming just seconds after seeing the horror unfold in the mirror across from me. (snipped the details, I actually wrote a good horror scene here but decided to cut it out due to content.. but it was good.) This isn't because I'm a horrible patron, not at all. I think everyone has a breaking point, and there's a small chance that the person who is cutting your hair will have her breaking point at that exact moment, and your head just so happens to be conveniently at the optimal position for an abrupt pin-cushioning. It could happen.

Maybe these scenarios are conjured subconsciously by looking at that stupid blue liquid in the glass jar with various combs and other weapons floating about. You know the one, called "Barbicide" for the love of everything.. Barbicide. May as well be called "Homicide" and have blood soaked scissors in them.

14 comments:

PollyWollyOxenFree said...

I have a similar fear, but this is anything to do with handling knives. I love my kitchen knives, and I like them SHARP SHARP. But knowing how sharp they are drives me crazy. I think about making soup - I think about losing a couple fingers in the soup. I think about washing my knives - I think about cleaning the sharp edge by accident and slicing off a hand. This can happen hours before the actual event. There are days where the image of a knife slicing open my flesh becomes obsessive.
And I thought I was the only weird one like this.
A good friend of mine a while back was about to tell me something - then stops. I get curious so I keep bugging her. She finally admits to me that she is driving herself crazy because she obsessively thinks about sharp objects coming close to her eyes - even the edge of a paper. Sometimes she cant even study!
Although theses examples are a little different - just know - you are not alone!

Alex said...

you know, come to think of it, I have this crazy obsession with not being able to watch people cut things, including peeling potatoes and shredding cheese... i would just rather not know about the pieces of knuckle skin on my pizza.

PollyWollyOxenFree said...

ewwww
but you know, I almost never cut myself because I obsess so much that I pay close attention.
But I keep sharpening those knives......

cathy said...

You guys are nuts!! I love getting my hair cut - sooo relaxing. I don't have to do anything and come out with great looking hair!

Alex said...

Not anymore Cathy..
Not anymore.

leona said...

Alex does have a weird thing about watching people cut and peel - whenever I'm doing that he bursts out or yells (I'm not even close to my fingers), which freaks me out and then I almost really do cut myself.

Mattie said...

I feel the exact same way about the dentist. There is no way I am going to let a guy put his hands in my mouth with out a little freak out. All he has to do is give you a little freezing in the "right" spot and it is game over with him yanking out your little uvula, or doing whatever he wants for whatever price he want. I tell you I try (most times successfully) to have all my work done with out freezing. That way I can tell what is what, and what is going on. I am an antidentite!!

cathy said...

what....you mean I don't come out with great looking hair..??:)

cathy said...

I am with you on the dentist Matt - not for the pain, but because I can't stand having the "rubber dam" on - oh wait, that was Mike...

Anonymous said...

lol cathy.. bad..!

Tan said...

Okay...I've got one. Have you ever heard those ads on the radio about sedation dentistry? "I sat down in the chair and I don't remember a single thing!" Yikes. Being jabbed in the head with a pair of scissors would be the least of your worries.

PollyWollyOxenFree said...

dude, where's part 2?????

Nel said...

ummmm yeah...dentist is a horrible horrible thing....sedation dentistry ROCKS in my book lol. And now thanks to my sweet psycho brother my hair is about to get the longest it has ever been.

Nel said...

Ummm KNOCK KNOCK???? Where is the next Alex blog I so long for every day? :)